Wife Not Being Honest and She Is Thinking About Leaving - In a Dilemma!
from Beattle posted to Love Advice Forum
I just found out on the weekend through friends that my common law spouse was planning on moving out of our house. She was away for the weekend with her sister at the time, and I guess one of our friends phoned her and she then texted me that she was in fact planning to move out. We have been together for about 13 years, and have lived in a house that we purchased while together for about 7 years. At the time of the house purchase, I could not qualify for a mortgage because I was self employed, and did not have a lot of credit history. The house is therefore in her and her brother's names.
I put close to $20K in cash into the house purchase, and she contributed about the same amount. I have made most of the mortgage payments out of my income for the past 7 years.
Since the weekend, we have had a long talk, and agreed to give things a couple of months to see if we can put our relationship back together. In her opinion, we have grown apart, and that is partially true.
She told me about 6 weeks ago that she was re-mortgaging the house to take advantage of the new low interest rates, and to pay off a couple of her small personal bills so that her pension would provide enough funds that she no longer needs to work.
I have now discovered, only by finding the new mortgage statement laying on the dining room table, that she has in fact increased the mortgage by over $40K, and I assume put most of the money into her savings account.
I am in a dilemma! I don't really want to throw the relationship away, but I don't want to cause a huge argument by calling her on the $40K increase in the mortgage. I am quite sure that I could secure my position on the house through legal channels, but do I want to go there at this point?
Has anyone got any suggestions.
from Beattle posted to Love Advice Forum
I just found out on the weekend through friends that my common law spouse was planning on moving out of our house. She was away for the weekend with her sister at the time, and I guess one of our friends phoned her and she then texted me that she was in fact planning to move out. We have been together for about 13 years, and have lived in a house that we purchased while together for about 7 years. At the time of the house purchase, I could not qualify for a mortgage because I was self employed, and did not have a lot of credit history. The house is therefore in her and her brother's names.
I put close to $20K in cash into the house purchase, and she contributed about the same amount. I have made most of the mortgage payments out of my income for the past 7 years.
Since the weekend, we have had a long talk, and agreed to give things a couple of months to see if we can put our relationship back together. In her opinion, we have grown apart, and that is partially true.
She told me about 6 weeks ago that she was re-mortgaging the house to take advantage of the new low interest rates, and to pay off a couple of her small personal bills so that her pension would provide enough funds that she no longer needs to work.
I have now discovered, only by finding the new mortgage statement laying on the dining room table, that she has in fact increased the mortgage by over $40K, and I assume put most of the money into her savings account.
I am in a dilemma! I don't really want to throw the relationship away, but I don't want to cause a huge argument by calling her on the $40K increase in the mortgage. I am quite sure that I could secure my position on the house through legal channels, but do I want to go there at this point?
Has anyone got any suggestions.
______________________
I sat down and had a heart to heart conversation with my ex-wife 13 years ago, about how financially devastating a divorce would be for us. It would break up our family (3 kids, 2 together - who were 2 and 3 yrs of age at the time, and 1 from her previous marriage), and we were having serious financial issues. She actually agreed with me and gave me the impression that she would not file for divorce. Turns out, she had already filed as I was served with divorce papers about a week after our conversation.
When a woman makes up her mind to leave, unless you win the lotto, she will not stay in the relationship. Do not go for the smoke-screens because they are just a ruse to keep you off guard.
Here's the deal, she's playing hard ball and you're playing T-ball. Use all the legal means necessary to get what you feel is your "fair share" out of the home, because if she is moving out, sounds like she's either going to try to sell the house, or quick-deed it over to her brother. Regardless, if you are sitting there trying to salvage the relationship you are making a HUGE mistake. You would be doing so because you're trying to play by the rules (from what you wrote) and she has no rule book.
Bottom line, if she still loved you, she would not be doing these things behind your back. The two of you would have open and honest discussions about something that is vitally important and you would not have to hear about it via the grapevine. Protect yourself, protect your interest and find the best way for you to get out of the relationship. If you don't, I guarantee you, you will be sorry.
As soon as I got my divorce papers I immediately "lawyered up," stopped paying the mortgage, rented a townhome (because my attorney told me that when I go to court to fight for custody I would need to have a residence in my name because courts tend to look at the marital home as if it belongs to the mother), and slowly but surely started moving items from the home into either storage, or I took them to my new place. I did this because of the rule of, "possession is 9/10th's of the law." My attorney instructed me not to take any vital things like the fridge or stove and also to NOT move out because it would be looked at as "abandonment." Plus, I was not going anywhere without my beloved children. And of course, as a man/father, we cannot take the children and leave, as women/mothers can, because a man would be charged with kidnapping.
Along with hiring a good attorney, I also hired a Guardian ad Litem (an attorney by trade who acts as an attorney for children in a custody case.. the Guardian does a complete investigation of both mom and dad and makes a recommendation to the judge as to who she thinks should be the custodial parent) .. Long story short, six months later I was awarded full custody of my children.. they were 3 & 4 when the divorce/custody issue was final, they are now 16 & 17 ...
I do not mention these things to piss women off, to get on your bad side, or to belittle the many respectable and loving moms/wives out there. I only mention this to help "Beattle" with his dilemma. If you sit back and try to salvage what appears to be an irreparable relationship you will find yourself in a terrible predicament a few months down the road.
Whatever you do, stay on the "high-road." Follow the rules, don't break the law, don't make disparaging remarks about your soon-to-be-ex-wife but you must DO WORK! What will at some point come to light is, as you sow, so shall you reap. Being sneaky and under-handed with someone that you are supposed to love and care for is like drinking poison and waiting for someone else to die.
But again, you cannot be a sitting duck.
B. Shaw
Comments
Post a Comment